I’m really sorry about that giant personal paragraph, but I needed to air my thoughts somewhere 

A few months back, being out of my house and around people was exceedingly traumatic, but being in my house turned my mood black (I live in a very confrontational, sometimes violent family environment), so I was in a constant state of severe negativity  Lately, being out of my house, despite numerous factors that drag me down, is making me somewhat happy. So, despite feeling as low as hell when at home (no matter what, verbal abuse is gonna fuck me up, no medication can help that), I’m getting brief respites when out.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have days when I’m out of my home that I feel even worse than when I’m in the middle of another verbal battering about how atrocious I am at home, but the occurrence of good days at all is encouraging to me.

So far, my social interactions have all been low on my stress scale- dog walking, the farm, meals/ cinema with close friends, so I’m gonna really push myself soon, now I’m feeling a little better. First it’ll be Alton Towers and then I’ve scheduled a night out clubbing. I’m scared shitless but this is something I need to do I think. I need to feel like a normal 19 year old again. 

It’s taken me many months to go from rock bottom (police visits ect) to get to this level of functioning. I’m not happy, I don’t think I ever will be living with a family that despises me so much, but I have a seed of hope in my heart now that has been missing my entire life. I’ve never felt hope for the future before, not even as a kid.

Off to Alton Towers Saturday! Kinda excited